It’s that time again. The Democratic National Convention will be almost entirely virtual this year, though the campaign press corps has descended on Milwaukee, along with reams of party functionaries and hangers-on, the city’s businesses aren’t expecting the economic windfall typically associated with big conventions like this.
Overshadowed by the coronavirus, campaign aides have clearly tried to stir up “buzz” by telling the press (off the record, of course) that Biden might make a “surprise” in-person appearance despite committing to deliver his keynote virtually.
As we await the endless parade of canned, boilerplate speeches, it seems like the most exciting thing about the convention – at least, as far as we can tell – will be seeing whether Biden can pull off a repeat of the Harris VP announcement. Unfortunately, Biden won’t be speaking until Thursday.
Tonight’s agenda is capped by Bernie and Michelle Obama who, as we have already been told this evening, will explain that Joe – who forgot how many grandkids he had today – will “beat the pandemic and rescue the economy”…
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To help spice things up between now and then, journalist and author Matt Taibbi has devised “the Official 2020 Democratic National Convention Drinking Game.”
As Taibbi explains, the only succor from an endless stream of sanctimonious speeches decrying the “existential threat” President Trump poses to the future of the Republic is alcohol. And in keeping with a tradition to which Taibbi contributed during his time as an editor at Rolling Stone, we hope you’re ready to start drinking early.
To be sure, the Democrats will give us plenty of material to work with. Taibbi’s first rule is to drink every time a convention speaker says the word ‘historic’.
Turn on your TV to CNN or MSNBC right now. The odds aren’t bad – I’d put them at 7-2 – that the word “historic” is in the chyron. You will hear this word five thousand times, at minimum, per day of convention coverage. Out of respect for human life, you’ll therefore be asked to drink to “history” or “historic” only when uttered by actual convention speakers. I hope readers understand, without it being included on the list, that any mention of “Malarkey” is an automatic drink.
Without further ado, drink EVERY TIME to:
“Post office,” or any variation thereof (i.e. “postal service” or “mailbox”).
“Soul of America.”
“History” or “Historic.” Drink only when uttered by a convention speaker.
“Let me be clear.” Double shot if what comes after is not clear.
“Access,” as in “access to affordable health care” or “access to a good education.” You may drink twice if this comes in conjunction with an argument about “opportunity.”
“Systemic,” “systematic,” “structural,” “fundamental,” or “fundamentally.” Double-shot if the words are uttered by someone who has never voted for or supported a systemic reform.
Someone speaks positively of a Clinton (h/t to @percandidate).
“This is not who we are.”
“Above the law.”
(Something something) Mitch McConnell, (something something) is a human right.
“Trump is (rehearsed witticism).” Also, “golf.”
(Attempts to speak Spanish)
“Uncharted waters.” Drunk rum if you have it here, and yell “Aargh” like a pirate (h/t to @C00LDad77).
Drink ONCE PER HOUR to:
“Racist,” or “Black Lives.”
BONUS RULE: Drink every time someone blames Trump for coronavirus deaths. Make your own group judgment as to whether or not the blame is deserved.
WOKE MAD LIBS EXCEPTION: If an MSNBC commentator or a speaker uses any of the following terms, you may stop drinking for an hour to “reclaim” your sobriety: performative, white-adjacent, Latinx, decolonize, invisibilize, solidarity, interrogate, normalize, privilege (as a verb), dismantle, erase, lived experience, (anything)-splaining, heteronormative, habitus, cultural appropriation, essentialist, or trigger.
Genderfuck or melanated ends the game.
And for those who prefer the “Bingo” format.
Finally, now that we got the important stuff out of the way, here’s the schedule for tonight, with the first speaker, Amy Klobuchar, slated to kick things off at 9pmET. Former First Lady Michelle Obama will wrap things up as Monday night’s headliner.
- Sen. Amy Klobuchar
- Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto
- Governor Andrew Cuomo
- Governor Gretchen Whitmer
- Representative Jim Clyburn
- Convention Chairman Bennie Thompson
- Representative Gwen Moore
- Senator Doug Jones
- Performance by Maggie Rogers
- Performance by Leon Bridges
- Senator Bernie Sanders
- Former First Lady Michelle Obama