Well, it’s campaign season. I hate campaign season.
And this current crop of Democratic hopefuls isn’t doing anything to change my feelings. These people are about as bland as a bag of sawdust. I mean, say what you will about Donald Trump; if nothing else he comes up with some pretty amusing quips.
So, in an effort to spice up campaign season, I thought it would be fun to look back on some of the all-time worst campaign slogans.
These are in no particular order.
We’ll start with just plain childish and silly. Republican Alf Landon ran against Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1936. His slogan: “Let’s Make it a Landon-slide.” Oh, how punny.
How about just plain nasty? This was an actual campaign sign during Richard Nixon’s presidential run. “They Can’t Lick Our Dick.”
G.W. Bush had a snoozer of a campaign slogan that should be packed away in that aforementioned bag of sawdust. “Real Plans for Real People.” I guess that’s as opposed to the fake plans for cyborgs.
His son, Jeb, wasn’t much better at sloganeering. He went with, “Jeb Can Fix It!” That would be great if the junior Bush was running for plumber. For president…no so much.
While we’re on the subject of bland, Sen. A.D. Stephens of Minnesota campaign on the sweeping promise, “He Does Things.” You gotta give him points for honesty. I’m sure he did do “things.” Whether we wanted them done or not is a different question.
So, what do you do if it leaks out that you dabbled in witchcraft in college? I would advise just ignoring it. We all did some dumb stuff in college, right? Or you could make it the center of your campaign like Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell did in 2010. Her slogan, “I’m not a witch, I’m you.”
Sometimes you come up with what you think is a clever slogan and in fact, you’ve pitched your opponent a softball. That was the case with Barry Goldwater. His campaign insisted, “In your heart you know he’s right!” Lyndon B. Johnson countered, “In your guts you know he’s nuts.” Ouch.
You’ve probably heard the old saying, “sex sells.” That probably explains some of the innuendoes you find in campaign slogans. For instance, supporters of alcohol prohibition were called “drys.” Opponents were dubbed “wets.” With this in mind, 1928 presidential candidate Al Smith went with the obvious slogan: “Vote Smith and Make Your Wet Dreams Come True.”
In the 1852 presidential election, Democrat Franklin Pierce wanted to position himself as the successor to James K. Polk. So, he came up with this little diddy. “We Polked you in ’44, we shall Pierce you in ’52.” I’m not sure if sexual innuendo was intended, but…
So, there you go. Enjoy campaign season. And buy gold. Because I think no matter what happens in the 2020 race, you’re gonna need it!
Fun on Friday is a weekly SchiffGold feature. We dig up some of the off-the-wall and off-beat stories relating to precious metals and share them with you – with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Click here to read other posts in this series.
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